You Can Count On It! - By Robert Hughes

YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!

A couple of years ago as I tried to fall asleep, the operative word being tried, I was convinced that I had invented several new positions, and should include them in a new book entitled, "How Not To Position Yourself In The Sleep Market." I had just completed the umpteenth comfort-seeking maneuver, when I remembered that old sheep counting trick. The Sheep, however and for some odd reason, seemed to really stir me up. I'm not exactly sure why, but I began to feel as though I should have cleared more of life's important hurdles, and was only becoming depressed, not sleepy.

Suddenly, from nowhere, came the answer. Flamingos! I would try counting Flamingos. As I started to conjure images of Flamingos, it dawned on me that they must know something that I didn't! They, unlike me, could sleep on one foot. How could this be? Wouldn't I just love to be able to lift one leg and fall asleep?

At 9 a.m., the next morning, fresh and energized with the possibility of discovering the secret of the Flamingos ability to fall asleep on one limb, I arrived at the Zoo. I soon found myself standing in front of the Flamingo area. How smug they looked, and, a little more intelligent than I had remembered. I was very careful not to approach any of the Flamingos until I was confident that I had established some kind of mutual territorial pact.

I noticed that one of the more prominent looking Flamingos had become much less uneasy and actually seemed as if some type of contact between the two of us would be possible. I was extremely patient about this, as I did not want to rush the relationship. My attitude seemed to gain the Flamingos confidence even further.

Eventually this strategy paid off. The Flamingo, who had now regained its' "flamingo-ness," began to lift one leg. I could not contain myself one second longer. I felt a bit sheepish as I heard myself ask; "How can you elevate one limb and fall asleep like that?"

Words have not been invented to accurately describe what happened next. To my utter astonishment in a mundane, matter-of-fact, medium-pitched bird voice, the Flamingo replied. "Oh, I don't actually sleep this way, I just raise my leg because that's what all the other Flamingos do. In my whole life I have never been able to actually fall asleep. I have never had a dream, but on the brighter side, I don't snore much either."

"Not to have ever had a dream is the worst thing I have ever imagine," I said. "Which leg do you raise?" I asked. "I'm not sure," the Flamingo replied. "I have never thought of it," the Flamingo added with a puzzled look.

"Why don't you just try raising the other leg?" I thought that this might help.

Then, at that very moment, the Flamingo, without remembering to place the already raised foot back on the ground, attempted to elevate the other leg. At the point where gravity could be violated no further, the poor Flamingo collapsed and fell to the ground with a terrible thud. I just stood there in silence for what seemed to be an eternity. The Flamingo did not move. I left.

To this day, I have never returned to the Zoo. Once in a while I have flashbacks about the Flamingo. I like to believe that the Flamingo had finally fallen asleep, but was fearful of a more negative consequence. Thoughts of bad Karma and animal rights retribution had become a "hot" topic on my regular visits to the therapist.

I have given up counting Flamingos. I am now into counting the contributing factors of my own uniqueness, which is a much kinder and gentler technique. This has almost eliminated my sleep disorder. I have also learned that whenever I contemplate my own personal problems and feel that something or someone else has the answer, chances are that they probably don't.

Knowing that we all have our own logs to saw and that nobody has all the answers, can be a very reassuring thought, but what I really learned from the Flamingo is that I have the unique ability to have a dream. That thought is the most wonderfully peaceful of all ... especially at bedtime!

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